JOHN DOG:  Could you do me a little favor and turn it down a notch.  You got a heck of a booming voice and my neighbors are prone to call the police at the drop of a dime.

BLOG GOD: Shut up and listen.  They don't hear a thing.  Only your twisted gin soaked mind can hear my mighty words.  Stick your fingers in your nose and blow hard and maybe some of the dog shit your have stored in that skull will come out of your ears. Then maybe you'll have room in that puny sub-human brain to take in what I got to say to you.

JOHN DOG: What?

BLOG GOD:  Just do it. Or know thy fate lay in the darkest vile corners of Blog Hell.

JOHN DOG: Alright, lighten up, here goes (John Dog puts his  fingers up nose and blows hard) ouch, shit that hurts

BLOG GOD: Do it again.

JOHN DOG: grumble, grumble, god damn ass wipe (John Dog does it again)

BLOG GOD: I heard that. You are a cunt's hair away from being set upon my flesh eating beetles. Now, hear me good.  I'm only going to tell you this once, you slimy toad of a man.

JOHN DOG: I got the picture big guy. What's on your mind?

BLOG GOD:  You have transgressed against the laws of the almighty Blog God and you must confess to your sins.  You must repent.

JOHN DOG: Uhh?  I don't know nothing about no Blog Laws, no Blog Commandments?

BLOG GOD: Silence unworthy one or I'll turn you into slug and send you to Mongolia where they'll eat you for breakfast.  You know full well what the Laws of the Blog God are.  You checked the box that said "I Accept" and read the Terms of Service when you signed up didn't you?

JOHN DOG: Yeah, well, uh, I did check the box. But heck Blog God nobody reads those things.  The type is so tiny and there's all that legal gobbly-gook.

BLOG GOD: Ignorance of the Blog God Commandments is no excuse.  You have broken those Laws and must pay the price.  My assistants have been keeping an eye on you can.  Confess to your sins and you MAY be forgiven.

JOHN DOG: Ok, what have you got on me?

BLOG GOD:  First, your stories are an affront to mankind, They are loathsome tales of lust and drunkenness.  My assistants tell me that you also frequently masturbate while writing your blog.

JOHN DOG: Yo, Blog God, yea, I confess to my loathsomeness, but hey I'm just writing what I know, writing from personal experience.

BLOG GOD: Excuses don't mean shit to the Blog God, but you have admitted to your loathsomeness and are forgiven.  The issue of masturbation?

JOHN DOG: Look, Blog God, have your assistants check their notes.  I never actually masturbated while writing my blog. It's hard enough writing when you got a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

BLOG GOD: Confess now or know thy fate lay in the darkest vile corners of Blog Hell.

JOHN DOG: Ok, ok, well maybe I was scratching my balls a bit.  But I swear I never started pulling on my string until after I had finished writing. But, I'll cop to the masturbation thing if it will make you happy.

BLOG GOD: Yes, John Dog. It does make me happy and you are forgiven.

JOHN DOG:  Thank you all mighty and loving Blog God. Can I go back to sleep now?

BLOG GOD: My poor wayward son we are just getting started.

JOHN DOG: Please, don't keep me in suspense. Read off the next charge,

BLOG GOD:  Blasphemer, you honor false gods.  There is only one True God and that it The Blog God. Why do you turn to these so called Orisha gods for help with your woes? JOHN DOG: Shit, can I help it if I'm a product of the seventies.  That One God thing went out decades ago. I was just trying to be p.c., politically correct, accepting everyone's belief in their own God.  Heck I got friends who are Buddhists and Muslims, Pagans, what have you.

BLOG GOD: Quiet, Excuses don't mean shit to the Blog God. You checked the box. You follow the rules.  Leave your friends out of it. I'll deal with them later if I already haven't condemned them to the fiery inferno of Blog Hell.

JOHN DOG: I guess I should have read that thing first.

BLOG GOD: Yes, that would have been a good idea.

JOHN DOG:  You got me. I confess. I promise I won't do it again.

BLOG GOD: You have confessed and you are again forgiven.

JOHN DOG: Keep it coming.  Let's get this over with.  I need my shut eye. I was drinking most of the evening.  I don't know how much longer I can stay awake.

BLOG GOD: Buck up worm or know thy fate lay in the darkest vile corners of Blog Hell.

JOHN DOG: Ok, next my Omnipotent One.

BLOG GOD:  Records show that you have posted images and photographs that violate other's individual copy rights.

JOHN DOG:  Blog God, you definately got me on that one.  But let me explain.  I been making web sites for ten years.  The first web that I did when ever I wanted to use someone's picture I always e-mailed them, but if I sent out 20 e-mails, I only got one reply and they said sure why not. Nobody cares anyway.

BLOG GOD: John Dog, you know if I wasn't The Blog God the All Patient One, you would be licking toilets clean in Blog Hell right now.  Get this through your dumb ass thick head –NO excuses.

JOHN DOG: I get it All Patient One. I confess.

BLOG GOD:  You confess and you are forgiven.

JOHN DOG: Are we finished yet, please say we are finished.

BLOG GOD: Just a few more items.  You think I like doing this. This is a real pain in the ass for me. I could be watching Big Brother right now.

JOHN DOG: I'm sorry. Let's get on with it then.

BLOG GOD: You have committed one of the greatest sins of all - plagiarism.

JOHN DOG: No way Jose,  I ain't going down on that one.

BLOG GOD: My notes here say that you have stolen, 32 jokes, 42 lines from songs,  53 lines from films, and 15 lines from other writer's work as well as stealing characters from movies.

JOHN DOG: 32 Jokes, uhh? I know you don't like excuses, but did you ever hear of sampling. Sampling ain't an offense is it?  What about paraphrasing.  You ain't counting paraphrasing are you?  Is dipping into pop culture an offense too?

BLOG GOD: John Dog, will you ever learn? You checked the friggin' box.

JOHN DOG: Can we plea bargain on this one?  I plead guilty to not foot noting all my sources and promise to give credit where credit is due in the future. In return you drop the plagiarism charge.

BLOG GOD: John Dog, I like you. You'll make a hell of a writer some day if your liver doesn't explode first.  I'll take the deal. But let it be known, I'm watching you.

JOHN DOG: This is way cool of you Blog God. I'll take the lack of foot noting rap and confess.

BLOG GOD: Your confession is heard and you are forgiven.

JOHN DOG: Any more?

BLOG GOD:  Two more little transgressions and we're through.

JOHN DOG: I'm ready, smack me upside the head with your next accusation.

BLOG GOD: Fiction or Non-Fiction?  You have missed rule numero uno.  You have failed to tell your readers if your work is fact or fantasy.  Are your stories true life experience or figments of your sick warped mind?

JOHN DOG: How did I miss that, Rule Numero Uno? No prob, I can straighten this out here and now.  60/40 – sixty percent non-fiction, forty percent fiction.  I confess I like to keep my audience guessing.  I bend, I shape, I mold, my experiences and reality* with artifacts gleaned from pop culture and mix them in a sort of creative stew. (*but I do consider my dreams and hallucinations a real part of my reality)

BLOG GOD: I see.  Put a disclaimer of sorts on your blog site and you are forgiven.

JOHN DOG: Thank you heavenly Father Blog God

BLOG GOD: Last thing.  Profanity

JOHN DOG: Get the fuck out of here, pack my mother fucking bags I'm heading to Blog Hell. I'll confess but I ain't repenting, no one gags the John Dog.  Pass me a shovel cause I'll always be tossing a truck load of shit on the fire.

9/03>
 

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(All images painted by me The John Dog)