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Bear
Epilogue (Best
to start at Chapter 5, 8/20 )
by John D'Agostino, Eccentric Outsider
Artist, a.k.a. John Dog
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We
realized as we sped away down the mountain in Ernie's jeep that we didn't
know where the hell we were going. Ernie never ventured far from his cozy
hide away nestled just outside of the small vacation town of Orso where his
cabin was. We were still some what blitzed from our afternoon of drinking
and the incident with the 3 bears shook us up a lot. I saw a roadside
saloon and told Big Ern that I needed to make a pit stop, not to take a
leak, but to have a stiff drink. We pulled into the gravel parking lot and
went on in. Not many people were there. A few sat at the rustic looking
bar and there were a couple or two sitting at tables on benches, both made
of split logs with the bark left on the undersides. No bartender was in
sight.
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Smarter Than Your
Average Bear! |
I said,
"Anyone around here to set me and my buddy up with a few drinks." A bear
popped up from behind the bar. Our hearts leaped to our throats as we swung
round to bolt out the door. Laughter soon followed as everyone in the bar
saw the look of horror on our faces. We glanced back and saw the barman
taking off a bear head mask. Got you, he said, what will you two have
fellas. Doubles, we both replied at the same time, double whiskeys and
leave the bottle on the bar. We sat at the bar, he poured and we drank the
first one down. The bartender was an ugly mother fucker, pimples, greasy
black hair, and buck teeth with a gap between them. When he laughed he
sucked some air back in and his mouth hissed like a spitting cobra.
After
our nerves had settled I got to thinking. I started to worry about the
girls back at the cabin with the bears. Pangs of remorse began to
surface. We were really cowards, Big Ern and I, selfish no good cowards.
The bartender came over and filled our empty glasses. I turned to Ern and
said, "We gotta go back. It wasn't right to leave those three helpless
females with those three juiced up horny bears." Ern gave we an
incredulous look, eye brow raised and said, "You GOT to be kidding."
I said,
"No, İ ain't kidding" and banged my glass down on the bar. The bartender
poured me another.
The
bartender caught a bit of our conversation and asked, "Bears been bothering
you up on the hill tonight?" Ern said just mind your bees wax and pour us
another one, Radar. He poured but we couldn't get him to butt out. He said, "I
got me a good bear story for ya". Big Ern threw up his hands and said. "Ok
Roger Rabbit, if you promise to leave the bottle and go away, we'll listen
to your little story."
So we
let him tell his tale and it went like this. Two guys, Zeke and Zeb, went
bear hunting up in some remote hills. They came upon a cave and heard some
growling coming from within. Both of them sneaked up with rifles drawn.
As they approached the mouth of the cave someone or some thing tapped them
on their shoulders. They spun around to see the hugest big ass bear that
they ever saw. It must have been 1000 pounds. His breath smelled of
death.
The
bear growled again and then to their amazement he spoke. He said, "You
guys are mighty lucky that I just finished breakfast, had me a tasty
Japanese family not long ago. I love Japanese food. But now I'm hornier
than a rhino in heat. Drop your pants and spread em and I'll let you go."
Well, the two guys were shaking in their boots and they did what the bear
asked and the bear did his thing. He rammed them both so hard, taking
turns back and forth, and his cock was enormous. Those two hunters were
howling in pain. They hobbled off down to their campsite barely able to
walk and the bear went into his cave a happy camper.
The
next day the hunters recovered from the trauma and humiliation and vowed to
get that fucking bear. They got bigger guns and more ammo and headed back
to the cave. This time Zeke hid in the bushes while Zeb approached the
cave. Growling was coming from the cave as Zeb crept up to the entrance.
Just before he got their, Zeke let out a yell. There was the same huge
bear towering over Zeke. Zeb was trying to figure out if he could get in a
clear shot without hitting his friend. A big paw taps Zeb on the shoulder,
Zeb just gulped. The bear said, "You guys back again, you know the drill,
drop your pants." This time it was worse because each of them was getting
individual attention. They crawled back to camp and the bears went into
their cave happy campers.
The
next day the guys are really mad. They swear that they will kill those
homo bears if it's the last thing that they do. They go to the nearest gun
store and buy a bazooka. They head back to the cave. Inside the cave is
quiet so they sneak on in. They get about 5 meters in and it is getting
darker and darker. All of a sudden from behind the bazooka is yanked out
of their hands. The bears are standing there grinning and the bigger one
says, "Come on guys, you didn't really come here for hunting, did you?"
Big Ern
looked at me and said, "Well maybe you're right, maybe we should go back."
We paid our bill and started our drive back up the mountain. We swerved
all over the road, almost went into a ditch. almost ran another car into a
ditch, and finally arrived at the cabin.. The lights were on. Ern got a
crow bar from the back of the jeep. I saw a large branch on the ground and
picked it up. We walked to the still open front door.
The
house was a wreck. It was worse than when we had left it. The mess from
the food fight paled in comparison to his disaster. We waded through the
broken dishes, piles of empty frozen food boxes, and smashed bottles. No
one was in sight. The place stunk of holy hell. We called out, "Is anybody
home?" Then it happened, taps on our shoulders. We screamed and ran
forward, slipped on the bar-b-cue sauce and cherry pie that was on the
floor, and landed flat on our backs. Stars were still circling when we saw
the ranger looking down on us. He said, "Sorry didn't mean to scare you,
but I was on foot patrol and saw the lights on and the door open. Is
everything alright here?"
We lay
there on our backs and said, "Yea, everything is fine, thank you, thank
you." He said, "Well, I best be getting on then, you sure everything is
ok?" We nodded and he tipped his hat. He got to the door and I hollered,
"By the way you haven't seen anybody in the vicinity have you?" Not lately
he said but a couple hours ago I saw a few women and some bears out for a
stroll.
He
left and we picked ourselves off the floor. We looked around at the mess.
Ern said not to worry about it that he'd call the cleaning service in the
morning. That's when I saw it, the note stuck on the refrigerator.
Scrawled in big letters was, You guys are fucking losers. We are out of
here. Don't bother calling us again you puny pricked bastards. I could go
on here and philosophize about the moral of the story. But do I really
need to?
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The Bare Facts on Bears. Bears are dangerous
creatures. Please don't feed the bears. Although bear attacks kill a
number of people a years, many more people are killed my humans. As this
May 2004 article suggests -
HUMANS ARE MUCH MORE DANGEROUS
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